Mr. Stallone:
Bio:
To whom it may concern,
My name is Sylvester Stallone but most people just call me Rambo, or Rocky, or Barney, or Tango, or that truck driver from Over the Top! Point is I have a lot of names but you can just call me, Mr. Stallone. We are not on first name basis and I don’t want you to get the idea that we ever will be.
Not that you’re a bad guy or that I’m a better guy…its just I’m a richer, more famous, and better looking. Don’t get your panties in a wad about it! The truth hurts sometimes, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to act like a puss. So suck it up.
You do, however, get the privilege of seeing me dominate the Custom Games. Hell, I’ve been dominating fools like the rest of these clowns my whole life. Hulk Hogan and Mr. T kicked both of their respective tails in the same movie. Wesley Snipes, beat him. Dolph Lundgren…twice. Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Thailand all were rising military powers and had booming economies up to the point they crossed paths with me. Nothing but third world countries now.
Point is I’m a pretty bad dude…look who I surround myself with…I’m not talking about Arnold, Bruce, Jason Statham and Estelle Getty. Though Jason is pretty tough, and Estelle is downright hardcore. I regularly hang out with Randy “The Natural†Couture and The Nogueira Brothers…these guys fight for fun, money, and survival…in that order.
“But your old…you don’t stand a chance! Couture and Big Nog won’t be here to save you, Sly.†That’s what you’re thinking…First Off, Its Mr. Stallone! We are still not first name basis. Second, do I look like your typical 67 year old retiree? I run circles around most twenty year olds…and I’ve got experience. Third, I’m never alone…I got enough HGH flowing though my system if I take a piss on that crabgrass you call a yard, The Jolly Green Giant grows out of it! At my age, I pee all of the time. Do the math, that’s a lot of jolly green giants! And they are not so jolly, because your yard sucks and you don’t eat your vegetables! You should consider sodding.
Little known fact, Captain American is based partially off of my life…well the Super Soldier Serum part…the war was ending because I was born. Anyway to keep the balance of nations I keep the serum safely tucked away…right here in my pants, though I gave your mother a little dose last night…your new baby brother should be bench pressing more than you before he is out of diapers! Aww, are you butthurt because I have said I had sex with your mother twice, now?…is that a tear? What are you going to do about it? That’s what I thought.
One more tidbit of information, before I go dominate and you consider hiring a yard service… Superman does in deed for a fact wear Chuck Norris underwear, but Chuck does my laundry and I give him hand me downs from time to time. See you in the winner’s podium, why don’t you go shine my trophy for me!
Sincerely,
Mr. Stallone
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